Mount Fuji from Mount Kachi Kachi

Mount Fuji from Mount Kachi Kachi

Saturday, October 14, 2017

My pent up rambling

It's been a long time. I'm just so disappointed with my life right now. I really need a friend or a way to vent out my emotions but there just aren't any. Randomly browsing the internet and saw my pinned blog. I guess this is the best place to do it after all, after so many months of hiatus!

Since early this year, I kept feeling an emptiness, loneliness, insufficient, incapable and kind of lost. There is so much dissatisfaction pent up in me right now. I'm the kind of person who always need to spit out my feeling but I actually don't have that many closed friends (by choice). Those I have, are starting to have new priorities in their life such as family matter, marriage, babies, business, etc so I don't wanna be the party pooper for them. I really  want to be more active in social activities that I like, but I can't seem to do that either due to my work load right now. Our organization has changed and the bosses put me in-charged of the job that everyone in my section hated the most. It's chaotic & endless task. They gave me 1 staff, but she's just an old lady that I can't expect to do too much due to her complacency (she's just waiting for her retirement day, hey can't blame her though). But there's just so much to do and so little time & resources. Yet they insist the OTT result and performance every time.

I'm sure my mental stress is contributed by my work right now. It's really crazeee I sometimes wonder how other people can go home on time, never get scolded, never need to explain anything yet gets promoted easily. And here I am,  doing all the opposite things, and getting all the opposite result. I don't even have time to pee sometimes for god sake. I'm always the last one to go back due to the numerous emails and reports. And when I'm at home, I'll just plop into my bed without eating dinner, watching K-drama but I'll fell asleep in an instant.

The cycle will repeat itself and it starting to affect my health too. My skin is super bad I'm breaking out every so often I don't see the point of wearing makeup or dressing up anymore. And I can't seem to loose any weight at all so I stop going to the gym. Thanks for adding to my already low self-esteem. Sobs..I just don't have the energy and will power..huhuhu....Not to mention my mental & emotional state right now, I'm becoming more and more bitchy and bitter. I get angry and irritated by the smallest thing, like WTF?!! I usually just don't care what others think of me, but now I can't help but suspecting people are talking bad about me. I think they are, but maybe they are not. Sobs. I'm such a looser, this is so not me. I need professional help! :(

The root-cause of this chaos in life is right now derived from my dissatisfaction towards my bosses and this 1 colleague of mine. She is their no.1 favourite, a walking spy and act superior to others. Whenever there's a crisis, she'll appear out of nowhere throwing jabs like we don't do our job properly. Biatch pls!! Truth is she's able to keep her dirty laundry because she have so many people to back her up due to her good sucking. OMG. Get her away from me! My relationship with my boss is demn* sour because my boss is a jerk and double standard that he can't even treat his staffs fairly. I mean, how are you even a manager when you don't show up to the meetings sets earlier and don't even have the courtesy to inform or say sorry? I keep getting shits, yet I still try my best to turn things around without his help. However it's getting too taxing I'm loosing my respect toward this person. People say I need to suck up more in this kind of organization or else they'll continue making my life miserable. Maybe because they see me as a threat?

Well despite the daily shits that happen, I still like my job, a lot. I've worked my ass off to earn the place I am today. It's not something simply handed to me. So quitting my job, is not really solution right now. Of course they'll loose one hella good employee  but I know they don't give a dime after 1 week not more. But I'll loose what I have build so far. Still, is it worth it to live like this? To be treated like shit everyday? I know I have to be realistic, but it's important to dream and taking a risk too for your own happiness, right? I mean, I'm single (and not proud of it), I don't  have a mortgage (I live with my mom), I've paid up all my study loan (never got any scholar), so I can walkout anytime. Nothing is stopping me. Yet I'm still looking for the best way out. I don't wanna be on the loosing end for sure. But I'm already 36yo ahjumma, is there any company who would want me? Or maybe I should enrol in those kueh making classes that I've been eying for almost a year already. Maybe then I can quit and sell kueh instead and be my own boss. OMG..I'm loosing it.

While I'm searching for a solution, I'm gonna try a new mantra like below..
1. DONT CARE; if people criticize you, if you hear rumors, just walk away..
2. Don't involve in office politic; don't kepoci (susah nih!)
3. Must go back on time; even if your job tak siap (siap awal pun tak dapat apa..)
4. Never volunteer for anything, you already have too much on your plate (buat hati kering)
5. Go back to gym will ya lazy butt!!
6. Love is always there no matter how old are. It's there babe. Isseoyo..πŸ‘‰πŸ‘ˆ Look for it. πŸ‘€πŸ‘€πŸ‘€

Reading book by the sea while listening to the sound of waves and seagull , sipping coffee in a cozy cafΓ© while listening to jazz music, sweating like pig after a good workout session, karaoke-ing with my kaki, watching Marvel movies in cinema, weekend road trip with the single ladies,  weekend halaqah with the sisterhood, weekly Quran session with the funny unties and uncles..

Gosh...I missed out doing all these things just because of the few poisonous people??!! I shouldn't have let them affect me like this. Why am I becoming so weak? I know I've been slacking in my deen. My ibadah and deeds are  not consistent. I know my own wrongdoing contributes to this stress as well. I am weak and easily astray. But why only me? Oh Allah, I know I'm not worthy, but have mercy on me..please.

P/S: My sister said; you are emo bcoz you have no boyfriend, you don't have a life. End of story. This is not the solution either. uwaa.

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