Personal struggle

On some of my cold winter nights in Japan, I would just laid on my bed, thinking of the things that I have achieved so far, in my career and personal life. I think I have achieved quite a lot, though to other people it might seems small. And I am humbly admitting that I've lost a lot too.

There's too many to list out, but the most painful is that I have lost my old self. The one who used to have the will power to say NO to syaitan's whispers. I felt so helpless now. Every time I've sinned, I beg Allah for His forgiveness, but I didn't made an effort to change. I'm seeing people around me becoming better Muslims, which I really envy! They took a longer path than me, but I've failed to stay istiqamah (persistent) on that path. Why do I struggle so much?

 I want to run to ME again, to my 14 years-old self, whom once bravely told the choir teacher that she'll keep her headscarf on, no matter how awkward the choir team might look because of her.

It's cloudy here, in my heart. I'm scared it will turned to black. I want it to be white again, like the precious winter snow.